Friday, January 28, 2011
I suck at basketball and I can’t seem to bring myself to care. I think I used to care that I sucked at basketball and I think that’s the reason why I keep playing in these pickup games after school with my co-workers. But I’m sure it’s brutal to watch me. It’s brutal to be me knowing that others have to pretend that I’m worth even getting in to the game. I keep hoping that I’m like Seabiscuit. That one of these days, I’ll get out there and suddenly play more like Michael Jordan and less like Barney Fife. So maybe I do care.
Monday, January 24, 2011
Fear of Urinals
It’s sad what fear will drive us to sometimes.
For instance, it kills me to admit this but I've had this ridiculous fear of urinals lately. I don’t know how to express it without sounding like a complete nutcase to my entire audience. But I think women need to understand what men go through when we walk into bathrooms, stand shoulder to shoulder with complete strangers, zip open our flies in front of God and all humanity and start peeing against a completely defenseless wall. This is not always an easy thing for all of us.
The actual act of doing this has started to climb into my head more than it used to and now I’ve begun to psyche myself out to the point where waiting for an available stall sometimes has been my highest hope. It’s the worst at sporting events where a communal trough is all I get and I'm standing so close to people that I feel like I'm posing for a group picture.
I think I’m thinking too much. In fact, I know I’m thinking too much and if I could somehow transfer that thinking activity happening at the urinal to a much-more-useful venue, I probably would have no problem at all.
But the fact that sometimes an entire lineup of men will be standing behind me expecting me to finish promptly within the average thirty to forty seconds allotted, always gives me a little pause. I feel like I have the American Idol judges waiting to give me a performance evaluation as soon I’ve turned around. It’s a lot of pressure.
The self-talk only makes it worse. I stress myself out saying things like “Just relax,” “Don’t think about anything,” “I think we’re taking too long,” "We should be done by now," “This is not gonna’ happen,” “Why didn’t you just look for a stall?” “What’s wrong with you?” and “Do it! Hurry! Now! Now! Now!”
My cousin tells me to try this Zen thing that he does where he finds the smallest little dot on the wall and he focuses on just that while he counts to ten. I still haven’t brought myself to try it, but I think that might be my next step. I’m afraid it’ll only make me laugh which definitely won’t help my case in solemn moments like those. The judges would not respond positively to that one.
Either way, I’ll just save this entry for the next psychiatrist visit. It should give us something rich and meaningful to discuss.
For instance, it kills me to admit this but I've had this ridiculous fear of urinals lately. I don’t know how to express it without sounding like a complete nutcase to my entire audience. But I think women need to understand what men go through when we walk into bathrooms, stand shoulder to shoulder with complete strangers, zip open our flies in front of God and all humanity and start peeing against a completely defenseless wall. This is not always an easy thing for all of us.
The actual act of doing this has started to climb into my head more than it used to and now I’ve begun to psyche myself out to the point where waiting for an available stall sometimes has been my highest hope. It’s the worst at sporting events where a communal trough is all I get and I'm standing so close to people that I feel like I'm posing for a group picture.
I think I’m thinking too much. In fact, I know I’m thinking too much and if I could somehow transfer that thinking activity happening at the urinal to a much-more-useful venue, I probably would have no problem at all.
But the fact that sometimes an entire lineup of men will be standing behind me expecting me to finish promptly within the average thirty to forty seconds allotted, always gives me a little pause. I feel like I have the American Idol judges waiting to give me a performance evaluation as soon I’ve turned around. It’s a lot of pressure.
The self-talk only makes it worse. I stress myself out saying things like “Just relax,” “Don’t think about anything,” “I think we’re taking too long,” "We should be done by now," “This is not gonna’ happen,” “Why didn’t you just look for a stall?” “What’s wrong with you?” and “Do it! Hurry! Now! Now! Now!”
My cousin tells me to try this Zen thing that he does where he finds the smallest little dot on the wall and he focuses on just that while he counts to ten. I still haven’t brought myself to try it, but I think that might be my next step. I’m afraid it’ll only make me laugh which definitely won’t help my case in solemn moments like those. The judges would not respond positively to that one.
Either way, I’ll just save this entry for the next psychiatrist visit. It should give us something rich and meaningful to discuss.
Monday, January 3, 2011
A Resolution to the “Other Days”: The Brainchild of a Massive Dose of Unnecessary Over-thinking
It is Monday, January 3rd and I’ve yet to establish what my new year’s resolutions should be. I thought that possibly becoming more decisive might be one, but I’m still not sure. Also, I do realize that the whole point with New Year’s Resolutions is to start from midnight on January 1st and try to make it the whole year through- like the start of a marathon.
My friend even called me on New Year’s Day to ask me what my resolutions were and I went into a long-enough tirade to make him sorry he even asked the question as to why I don’t think I’ll make one this year. At least not on that exact day.
It’s just the thought that- knowing my history- I’m doomed if I make one. It’s as though I’m announcing to the world all of the things that will definitely NOT happen to me this year. Which almost makes me wonder if I set my goals to be the opposite of everything I’m wanting, then that “NOT happening” idea might cause the things I am wanting to happen to actually happen. Like I want to gain 10 pounds. Something I may have already achieved. Or do I want to make more money? Abolustely not. I’ve seen and contemplated enough advertisements to know how to answer this without a second thought. I want to make as little as is humanly possible.
This is not to knock the act of goal-setting for myself in any way. I think this is just more of an aversion to January 1st itself due to the past let-downs. So let me dedicate this resolution to the other days I tend to ignore. January 3rd, or February 8th, or August 17th, or December 30th for instance.
Because I think the time for myself to get started on a goal is always the day I’m thinking of that goal. Or even the minute I’m thinking of it. There is no time like the present.
The irony is that January 1st might be the one day in the year where I might just want to put off making a decision until tomorrow.
My friend even called me on New Year’s Day to ask me what my resolutions were and I went into a long-enough tirade to make him sorry he even asked the question as to why I don’t think I’ll make one this year. At least not on that exact day.
It’s just the thought that- knowing my history- I’m doomed if I make one. It’s as though I’m announcing to the world all of the things that will definitely NOT happen to me this year. Which almost makes me wonder if I set my goals to be the opposite of everything I’m wanting, then that “NOT happening” idea might cause the things I am wanting to happen to actually happen. Like I want to gain 10 pounds. Something I may have already achieved. Or do I want to make more money? Abolustely not. I’ve seen and contemplated enough advertisements to know how to answer this without a second thought. I want to make as little as is humanly possible.
This is not to knock the act of goal-setting for myself in any way. I think this is just more of an aversion to January 1st itself due to the past let-downs. So let me dedicate this resolution to the other days I tend to ignore. January 3rd, or February 8th, or August 17th, or December 30th for instance.
Because I think the time for myself to get started on a goal is always the day I’m thinking of that goal. Or even the minute I’m thinking of it. There is no time like the present.
The irony is that January 1st might be the one day in the year where I might just want to put off making a decision until tomorrow.
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