Fear of Urinals

It’s sad what fear will drive us to sometimes.

For instance, it kills me to admit this but I've had this ridiculous fear of urinals lately. I don’t know how to express it without sounding like a complete nutcase to my entire audience. But I think women need to understand what men go through when we walk into bathrooms, stand shoulder to shoulder with complete strangers, zip open our flies in front of God and all humanity and start peeing against a completely defenseless wall. This is not always an easy thing for all of us.

The actual act of doing this has started to climb into my head more than it used to and now I’ve begun to psyche myself out to the point where waiting for an available stall sometimes has been my highest hope. It’s the worst at sporting events where a communal trough is all I get and I'm standing so close to people that I feel like I'm posing for a group picture.

I think I’m thinking too much. In fact, I know I’m thinking too much and if I could somehow transfer that thinking activity happening at the urinal to a much-more-useful venue, I probably would have no problem at all.

But the fact that sometimes an entire lineup of men will be standing behind me expecting me to finish promptly within the average thirty to forty seconds allotted, always gives me a little pause. I feel like I have the American Idol judges waiting to give me a performance evaluation as soon I’ve turned around. It’s a lot of pressure.

The self-talk only makes it worse. I stress myself out saying things like “Just relax,” “Don’t think about anything,” “I think we’re taking too long,” "We should be done by now," “This is not gonna’ happen,” “Why didn’t you just look for a stall?” “What’s wrong with you?” and “Do it! Hurry! Now! Now! Now!”

My cousin tells me to try this Zen thing that he does where he finds the smallest little dot on the wall and he focuses on just that while he counts to ten. I still haven’t brought myself to try it, but I think that might be my next step. I’m afraid it’ll only make me laugh which definitely won’t help my case in solemn moments like those. The judges would not respond positively to that one.

Either way, I’ll just save this entry for the next psychiatrist visit. It should give us something rich and meaningful to discuss.