What to do in case of heavy clawing noises

The other night, Richelle and I were sitting in the living room talking when we heard these heavy clawing noises coming from around the kitchen area. We couldn’t quite place what it was, but it was freaking us out. I was getting visions of a large, pissed-off, human-sized rat trying to dig and chew its way through our ceiling. We were both feeling this mild panic rising up between us. So finally Richelle turned to me, thumbed in the direction of the noise and said, “You gotta’ go check.” “Why me?” I said. I like to imagine myself being incredibly brave and heroic at those moments of my life in which I feel that I’ll need it. But this did not at all feel like one of those moments; because it seems to me that if a rat grows to a certain size that its sounds become indistinguishable from that of a trapped wild boar who hasn’t eaten in a month, that this should be a time when it is perfectly acceptable for everyone, man, woman or child to steer clear. Not only that, but it was disturbing to see how willing my wife was to throw me in harm’s way when she felt our lives might be at risk. It turned out that the noise was coming from a pot in the kitchen where Richelle’s mom was starting to boil some live crabs; apparently the water temperature had moved past the comfortable hot-tub feeling for them so they were requesting a little breather. Actually, Richelle was the one who finally discovered this. Chalk this up for men’s equality, I never moved from my spot on the couch. But I did start to feel really, really bad for the crabs.